Isolation

I really don't like this new place I moved to. Granted, that's partly because I've been ill ever since I came here, but other than that, I just don't like the isolated feeling. I don't like feeling cut off from the world outside and its goings-on. I can hear the voices and the passing motorbikes, but I can't see outside these walls, and that is somehow keenly disconcerting to me. When I come in from having been out somewhere, it feels like reentering a jail cell. I have only one small room (unless one counts the bathroom as a second room) and a small porch, and in fact I spend most of my time here on that porch where I can see the sky, anyway, and the tree tops, and hear the voices and smell the air. Moreover, I miss having an outdoor kitchen. The extra heat of cooking inside is a bit too much on top of the heat of the day, which is quite sufficient on its own. Honestly, though, it wouldn't really matter if the place was large, like the villa that Louis lives in, for the feeling is the same. It feels too quiet, cut off, pressed in by its own silent space. Suffocating. I think that if I were well, I would very rarely be here in this room. But being ill is its own sort of jail, isn't it--being stuck inside the body that is ill.  It's where I live for the time being. I hope, one way or the other, not to be here much longer.  

A Dog and a Door

Every evening when Takut the dog decides to come out from under the patio floor and head outside for the night, he comes to my door first, because otherwise he can't get outside. This is because the old lady who never comes out of her room, and whom recently insisted that the door be locked at all times, negotiated instead for the attachment of a gadget that automatically closes  (but does not lock) the door. To his credit, Takut has found a way to enter the villa despite the closed door by simply putting his weight against it and bulling through (not a feat that a smaller dog could accomplish). Nonetheless, he cannot get out from the inside because the door swings inward,  not both ways. This is where I come in. My own door is generally open, so he is able to stop by and let me know he wants out. Moreover, we have, through these otherwise pragmatic meetings, gradually struck up a bit more of a personal relationship, such that he will now come in and set a spell. And he's not averse to getting a bit of leftover dinner either.

Dice Game

We are all gamblers to one extent or another. We throw the dice and believe that they will fall in our favor. They will because they simply must. We are aware that for many the numbers that show when the dice finally come to rest on the felt will not be good. They may even be disastrous. But we are not them, we are us. The fortunate. And, we will say, we have thrown to fate with a moral purity, a reasoning beyond the dice and the odds. We deserve to win because we have thrown in faith. It's biblical.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for. Chance cannot be so hard-hearted as to ignore something like this. When we throw the dice, we understand that the odds are against us. Damn the odds, we say. This could work out right--that, too, is part of chance, however small--and if it does, both I and fate will rejoice. Our risk is therefore right, despite the odds, and will surely be honored even by the unthinking statistics. 

Wisdom lies not in prudence, but in extravagant faith, and the humility to accept the numbers as they fall. Love is the bet one makes till he's broke and has not a penny more to wager. 

Hari Jumat

I really didn't feel like walking this morning, but did so anyway. Pretty wobbly. So I didn't walk, I wabbled. Found the usual joggers and walkers, and the usual beach dogs, one of whom is apparently in charge of a generous stretch along the way, so has his job cut out for him. Watching the buff young men and the shapely young women go by was a bit disheartening. I mean, I'd settle for just walking in a straight line. Ah well, it is what it is. Definitely time for a nap now, but the maid is busy in my room, so that will have to wait. 

Hari Kamis

Got an early start this morning. Not that I intended to. I just woke up at about 5, couldn't go back to sleep, so decided to get up and get going. The most tiring thing about taking a walk in the morning, really, is getting prepared to do so Getting dressed tends to be exhausting, especially when I get down to the shoes. Seems to take forever and require significant effort to get my feet into them, especially since this requires bending down to where my feet are. Moreover, the shoes, which I recently bought, are rather argumentative, seeming generally unwilling to permit the insertion of my feet. 

At the same time, I have found, on the positive side, that my easy chair slides quite easily on the ceramic tiles (and so does an upright human being, as I have found, painfully, many times in the past). But my easy chair, as I had begun to say, may as well be a wheelchair on these tiles, conveying me to wherever I want to go that would otherwise require the effort of standing up and bending over and so on. If the bed weren't in the way, I could slide all the way back to the bathroom! 

In any case, once I finally get ready and head out to the bike, it's fairly smooth sailing from there. And it was nice to get to the beach so early, while the weather is still mild and the sun is just rising from the sea. Nothing yet open on the beach at this hour, and the only people one sees are other walkers, generally doing a much better job of it than I. So I walked from the Bali Hyatt beach up to the next beach entry, whatever that is. 

Moonrise Kingdom

I can't even count the number of times I have watched this movie over the years. I never get tired of it, and there is something new to see or hear every time. This is really a one-of-kind film, unlike any other. It is directed by Wes Anderson, who is known for his distinctive visual and narrative styles. And it is this quirky style of storytelling, in image and in narrative, that gives Moonshine it's charm, for the story itself--that of an orphan boy who runs away from his guardians to be with the girl he loves--is common enough. But it is the narrative and visual style and the acting of a superb cast which includes Bill Murray, Edward Norton, and Bruce Willis, that makes the film so uniquely engaging. In short, I love this movie and could watch it a thousand times. Five thumbs up!

Bye-bye Miss American Pie

Outrage is hard to sustain. It becomes, over time, numbness, cynicism, apathy.

We thought at first that the things that had always mattered still mattered. We dug in and waited, sure of ourselves, for we were right.

And nothing happened. 

Bye-bye, Miss American Pie …

What we watched happen was what we said from the first would happen. And more. 

Justification is replaced by disbelief, disbelief by dismay, dismay by despair. 

We are not who we thought we were after all. In fact, there is no we. 

And there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again ...

We mourn. More than two years into this tragedy, we mourn. There is no going back. They have let this go too long, too far. They have let us go. They have let everything go. 

And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed …

What country is this, where a president makes himself king, where the governor refuses to be governed by the body tasked by the founders to that purpose, where law is shunned, where the powerful say "Nothing to see here. Move on"? 

And while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned 
No verdict was returned …

It's not that they sold their souls when we weren't looking. It's that they sold them when we were looking. We the people. Case closed. 

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

And he was singing'

Bye-bye Miss American Pie