Depression 2

I was gladdened to find this morning a comment from a friend on my previous entry regarding "depression." I call her a friend, though I have never met her -- but this is what friends do, isn't it -- whether you've met them or not -- they take the time to say something, and they cause you to recognize that someone out there is listening, and even cares. 

My friend chides me gently about my (mis)use of the term 'depression' -- and I deserve that, so I don't mind.  Really, I'm more peeved than depresssed.  I'm more lazy than depressed.  Adjusting to events and realities that do not coincide with my own plans has never been my strong suit.  Transitions, adjustments -- yuck. 

At the same time, I'm still not convinced that clinical depression is a symptom of MS.  I mean, being a bit depressed by the troubles caused by MS would seem only natural -- again, a circumstantial reaction rather than a brain chemistry disorder.  Oddly enough, I find very little about MS to be depressing in my own case.  Of all things in my life, it seems the least depressing.  In fact, I kind of like it.  It's interesting.  And it is no fault of my own.  This helps to put the blame for various failings on something outside of my control -- whereas I have no choice other than to hold myself accountable for failings that cannot be ascribed to the disease.

But in any case, thank you, Scatterbrain, for reading, and for listening, for caring and for commenting.  Cheers!

Depression

Some few years ago when I was writing the initial draft of Everyone Here is Jim Dandy I addressed the subject of depression in people with MS. More particularly, my investigations centered on whether depression is or could be a byproduct of MS due to neurological changes in the brain, or whether depression is just depression pure and simple -- playing no favorites. If I remember correctly, I surmised the latter case to be the more likely. Everyone gets depressed, and the most common type of depression is of a situational nature -- something has gone wrong, a failed love affair, a broken heart, trouble in the workplace, trouble with the wife, trouble with illness (any illness), financial trouble (oh, that’s a good one). Trouble in River City.

I’m thinking about this again because, frankly, I’m depressed. And I don’t think this is the fault of weird brain chemistry or short-circuiting. I think it’s because I’m going broke. In fact, I’m sure it is. And that’s depressing. It’s depressing to live in paradise and be broke at the same time. Even more depressing is the thought of having to leave paradise because you can’t afford to live there anymore. And I’ll tell you this, folks -- if you can’t afford to live on the island of Bali, you have got to be very broke indeed.

But there you have it. Little did we imagine when we took my life savings and moved to this little island on the other side of the world that this chunk of money would be gone within four years. The plan had been for it to last until I began to collect Social Security. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I am three years short still of Social Security, and so this math don’t add up any better than Mitt Romney’s.

What to do? Is returning to the United States an answer? It somehow automatically seems so, but that is no doubt because one is simply remembering a stable situation from the past and imaging that it still exists somehow -- as if it had simply been left behind like a suitcase in storage. It is with a sinking sensation then that one realizes in a suddenly very real way that time has marched on, the world has changed, nothing has been preserved. You can’t go home again. In short, Oh shit, I fucked up! Nope, I can’t walk back into Providence Medical Center and start my old job again. In fact, at 59 years of age, I doubt whether I could walk into any place in America and start any job whatsoever.

What to do, what to do? Work in Bali? At what? Driving a taxi? Picking up white rocks from the beach at Ketewel to sell to the warehouse down the road? Shoulder a shovel and join the guys on the Bypass as they wait for a truck to stop and take them for a day?

Hmm, this is sounding more depressing by the moment. Because it is more depressing by the moment.

How about if I go without eating for a year? That should save a bit. Or maybe quit cigarettes. Or on second thought, no. Some things are indispensable.

I haven’t a clue. That’s the depressing thing. And it’s a scary thing too.

New Directions

Been a while since I wrote anything here. I guess that's mainly because these entries, for the past year or so, have been articles that also appeared in The Bali Times newspaper. My efforts had been focused on producing a weekly column for that paper, into which I put considerable effort. Mysteriously, however, The Bali Times suddenly disappeared some weeks ago, then reappeared a couple weeks later in a new form, minus any of the editorial columns that had previously appeared (most notably mine and Vyt Karazija's second page columns). Nothing was ever said to either of us by the management of the paper - we simply disappeared! The paper now consists of straight, rather abbreviated news pieces which can be read in the Jakarta Post or the Jakarta Globe, plus a four page insert in Bahasa Indonesia (apparently with an eye toward that rare Indonesian reader who prefers to spend 10,000 Rupiah for four pages to 6,000 Rupiah for an entire newspaper).

In any case, a recalibrration of intent becomes necessary such that I may begin to fill these blog pages with something new.

In addition, I had recently been working on my book, Everything Here is Jim Dandy (living with MS) for publication on createspace.com, and that proved to be a time consuming task. None of these things are as easy as they look on the surface, and so a certain amount of struggle was involved. But that's done now and the book has so far sold one copy, earning me a grand total of 3 dollars and 18 cents. I've not yet decided where to spend this windfall.

My agent back in the States spend nearly three years trying to sell Jim Dandy to a publisher, but was ultimately unsuccessful. Thus sounds the death toll of poor Jim, consigned now to his lonely grave in cyberspace. Too bad. I think the book might have been enjoyed by many MS readers, and really by readers in general as well, since it's focus was not on MS alone but on MS as a symptom of life as we all face it. But anyway . . . .

So, where to go from here? We'll have to wait and see. At this point in time, I haven't the foggiest.

Book Now Available Online

Finally I can invite my visitors to read my book about living with multiple sclerosis (and life in general).  The book is called Everyone Here is Jim Dandy.  You can find this at http://www.createspace.com/3963326. 

Almost There

I've been struggling for some time now to get my book onto Create Space, but I think we're almost there now.  The book, about living with MS, is called Everyone Here is Jim Dandy (just like this blog).  The main trouble has been with downloading my Word file for the book onto createspace, which itself is because my subscription to Word expired long ago.  It was therefore necessary to use the kind services of my agent in the US -- many thanks to Neil Salkind for his tireless attention to my tiring requests.  Once the thing is officially complete, I will post a link on this blog so that readers can find the book in createspace.com. 

Trouble Comes in Threes (at least)

The last few months have been right rough on me.  First off I was bitten by some sort of poisonous insect. I like to call it a spider (laba-laba in the language), but in fact I did not see the insect (due to the fact that it had used the cover of night to carry out its dastardly deed), and so I really should not cast such aspertions on a single critter type.  I have called it a spider many times, and I guess that's because spiders have this negative sort of reputation, like Americans in Java and elsewhere throughout Southeast Asia.  He's an easy target, is the spider -- always the first one pointed to -- and so I apologize for my own rush to judgment.  It could just as well have been a centipede or a cockroach or a beetle or some random Egyptian guy from California.  Well, admittedly the latter would be unlikely -- but you see my meaning.

In any case, this bite on my calf from an anonymous insect became infected (or came with an infection, who knows?), so that by the evening of the first day the wound had grown from the size of a pinhead to the size of a silver dollar, and had turned an angry purple-red, with a dilated staring eye of yellow pus in the center.  Sorry, that's just how it was.  Aside from being ugly, the thing hurt like hell and got worse with each day (and with the application of each home remedy), such that the pain ultimately extended deep into the muscle and made walking -- an activity already comprised at baseline by MS --  an exercise in agony, and pretty much the next thing to impossible.

So I went to the hospital -- something to be avoided in Indonesia almost as religiously as the spider itself.  Or rather, the anonymous insect.  In fact, I went to the hospital every two days for the next two weeks for what seemed an endless series of poking, scraping and re-bandaging operations, until finally the wound was pronounced healed, though the scarring permanent.

No further insects have invaded my bed, nor the sactity of my sleep, but I did see an actual spider on the wall above my kitchen door last night -- unmistakable in this case, for a spider seen is a spider indeed.  And this was a major spider, folks -- a serious spider -- the epitomy of that sort of horror which gives the spider in general it's fearsome name.  I do not exaggerate -- this spider was the size of an oven mitten, this spider was the size of a frying pan.  It was black and generally splayed out with crooked legs like jointed steel.  Oh my God!

Oh my God!

What should we do?

My son, the first to see the monster, has retreated in a stumbling rush to the dining room.  My wife, while affecting scorn for our cowardice, moves rather quickly to the bedroom nonetheless -- an act which, to me, seems particularly inappropriate, for I am convinced, for some reason, that dealing with spiders should be in the domain of the wife.  Don't ask me why -- it's just something I have long taken for granted.  It's just something that seems a part of the wifely realm.

In any case, I am left on my own.  I must face the thing, eradicate it, or allow it to roam as it will (and the latter option is clearly unthinkable).  For a moment I imagine that this in fact may be the very spider that inflicted the poisonous bite on my calf, and that revenge is therefore within my grasp.  I soon realize, however, that this giant creature cannot have been the one that had previously climbed into my bed.  Were that the case, I surely would have awakened, the way I used to do when my labrador jumped onto the foot of the bed.  Clearly the enomity of the spider at hand would preclude the sort of stealth that would have been necessary to creep between the sheets with me.

In favour of a hand-to-hand confrontation, I decide upon a chemical attack through the use of a nearby cannister of Baygon Anti-Nyamuk, Lalat & Kecoa spray -- a mosquito, fly and cockroach preparation that, according to the can, is cepat, efektif & Tahan Lama (fast, effective and longlasting).  It seems the perfect thing where this laba-laba is concerned.

You will note, as I did, that "spider" is not mentioned among the intended targets of this spray -- and I must say that the spider itself appeared to note this as well -- for while he did not like the first couple of aerosol blasts from the cannister, neither was he prepared to die as a result.  Instead he ran with all eight legs down the wall and straightaway across the floor toward my feet -- bare feet at that.  Further blasts of the noxious spray slowed but did not halt his progress.  And  yet I stand my ground, despite the forward progress of my enemy, despite the choking cloud of Baygon that has begun to envelop us both.

This is when my son's shoe flies in.  Just the shoe, no foot or leg attached.  And it scores a direct hit.  Robin Hood and his arrow could not have done better.  The thing is dead, stone dead, without further twitch or convulsion, shot straight through the brain by a Reebok.

A cheer of victory arises from the depths of our lungs.  We embrace, we dance in celebratory elation. Such triumphs in life come event by event.  We know well that there are other enemies like this one - brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces -- but for now the day is ours.  Let tomorrow bring what it may.

This is what I was about to talk about, actually, before this giant spider derailed the narrative.  I was talking about the misfortunes of the summer, to which I will now return in relaying the particulars of the traffic accident which followed immediately upon the infectious spider bite that we started with. 

In was evening, though still light, and I was driving  home to Biaung from Sanur -- about a twenty minute trip.  There is but one road that traverses the south coast of Bali, and this road is known as the 'Bypass' -- a curious name, because it bypasses nothing. Rather it shoulders its way through just about everything and necessarily conveys just about every person, bike, motorbike, car and truck from Candidasa in the east to  Kuta in the south.  One generally picks his way rather laboriously through the traffic until he passes the KFC in Sanur -- and from that point straight on to Biaung it's every man for himself, at the fastest speeds possible. 

Well, one of the key rules of the road in Bali is to assume always the worst case scenario -- that the man in the Toyota SUV, for instance, has no license, nor the slightest comprehension of the mechanics of driving -- that this other man driving the Honda Vario has no brakes and this one on the Kawasaki is not sure which side of the road he should be on  -- that this dumptruck driver has no brains, that this bus driver has no side-view mirrors, and so on.  I forgot this rule that sunny July evening, and so when the light turned green at the Padang Galak intersection and every truck, car and motorbike lept forward onto the next stretch of open highway, I lept as well -- and after picking up full highway speed, found myself about to run my bike, and my life in this present world, smack-dab into the back of a hugh yellow truck. 

The truck, you see, was not equipped with functioning brake lights.  This is something I should have  known in advance.

Now it is important to note that where driving a motorcycle is concerned, the motorcycle does not stop on a dime in the same way a car will -- for the motorcycle itself stops, but the driver proceeds onward, quite suddenly divorced from the motorcyle, over the handlebars, some distance through the air, and then comes to rest (if you will) on the unkind pavement.  It all happens within a matter of seconds -- the recognition of impending doom, the throwing on of the brakes, the brief flight through the air, and the impact with the pavement.  This leaves you in a bit of a fog at first.  You are not sure where your motorcyle has gone without you, nor in fact are you quite certain of where your body has ended up.  And yet you rise -- an automatic response, unless your legs happen to be broken -- you brush yourself off, you search about for the errant bike -- and then, coming suddenly to full consciousness -- you get yourself the hell out of the middle of the street and the path of the oncoming traffic.  People here don't like to stop or slow down, although they will, with some irritation, try to go around you.

I had landed squarely on the right side of my ribcage and also opened up my pant leg and my skin at the right knee.  But it seemed okay.  I retrieved my bike and my person from the pavement and soon was back on my way home, thinking 'Gee, that was lucky -- I could have been killed.'

It is only later when the pain sets in.  Adrenaline had at first muffled the seriousness of the injury, shock had tricked the body into a sense of well being -- but by the time night fell I knew all too agonizingly that I was seriously fucked.  Suddenly every rib seemed to have been crushed in a vice, my right shoulder seemed to have collapsed, all the muscles in my upper torso had gone into a state of red alert and evinced now an angry, excruciating response.

Back to the hospital I went.  By now the staff was becoming quite familiar with my presence.  There he is again.  The white guy who can't stay out of trouble. These Americans are strange creatures, are they not?

My motorcyle mishap happened in the first week of July.  It is now September 24th and I am finally almost free of the pain.  Almost 12 weeks, my friends.  Twelve weeks of groaning and grimacing.  Twelve weeks of trying to lie on my back, on my left side, on my stomach -- and failing in all.  Twelve weeks of holding my ribs, gulping handfuls of aspirin, and shuffling about like Walter Brennan from the Real McCoys.

And then came the flu.  Or in my case, the super flu.  Now I know that trouble always comes in threes, so I was not wholly unprepared for a third misfortune, whatever form it might take.  Nonetheless, it has not been pleasant -- for the coughing, hacking, sneezing and sniffing that has accompanied this flu have been acutely counterproductive to the healing of my ribs -- combining together to exact extraordinary demands of my overtaxed bones and muscles -- which shout, ever so vexed, give me a break! (so to speak).

Four weeks of the flu now, and still going strong.

Why then has it taken so long for me to recover from these injuries and maladies, common enough on their own?  This is what I begin to wonder.  Is it merely old age, and a body less capable of routine repair?  Or does this have something to do with multiple sclerosis?  Hmmm. 

Well, when you think about it, an immune system that is preoccupied with attacking itself must therefore have little time to pay attention to those things it had been originally designed to fix.  Moreover, an immune system that has damaged the central nervous system, fried myelin sheaths, severed various nerve connections and so on, has necessarily compromised otherwise efficient processes of of natural healing, right?

It's funny -- I think very little about MS on a day to day basis.  I am used to the troubles it causes habitutally.  This seems merely my life, the way I am.  It takes time to remember the perniciousness of the thing.  Who, after all, takes 12 weeks to heal from a fall?  Who?  The person with MS, of course.  Who gets colds and flus so easily, and suffers with them four and five weeks at a time?  Why is it that my wife contracts the same flu and yet is up and about again in five days. 

Multiple sclerosis.  Oh yeah, now I remember.  I have multiple sclerosis. 

And I begin to understand through this trio of troubles what is meant when they say that MS does not itself cause death, but may often be a contributing factor.  Sure it can.  I see that now.  The dice are loaded, the cards are marked.  You come up to bat, you kick the dust from the plate, you take your stance and watch the ball leave the hand of the pitcher -- and then suddenly realize in one rather cold moment that the scoreboard shows already two strikes to your name.

Jakarta Riots

So now the idiot mob spreads to Jakarta -- how disappointing is that?  Especially given that it should have been pretty clear by now to all but the most obtuse that all this trouble over a cheap-ass movie, insulting not only to Islam but to any thinking human being, was but an excuse for the fomenting of murder and mayhem, and ever so coincidentally on September 11th.  Come on, people!  How many times will you let yourself be turned to pawns, to be pushed about by the few, the extreme, the sick, the haters, happy to leave the blood on your hands?  Stop a minute, think it through . . . do you really believe that one film made by a small handful of nuts is the same as a policy statement from the American nation at large?  Do you imagine that it was submitted for approval to Congress and signed by the President himself?  Have you read the newspapers, seen the television reports, or have you only listened to the shrill madness of the man on the street with the megaphone?  Think, for Christ's sake, and for Mohammed's sake too!  Innocent lives are too precious to be sacrificed on the alters of blind ignorance.