Thursday, April 2, 2009

Soft In The Middle

Why am I soft in the middle now
why am I soft in the middle when
the rest of my life is so hard?
--Paul Simon

Maybe I'm just tired. There's been a lot going on lately. People get tired naturally, right? And when you're tired, your brain doesn't work as well. It could be that I'm tired, and I'm just not paying attention. Could that be also why I cannot smile? Maybe when you're tired, it's hard to move facial muscles, those that work your lips. I guess maybe it's natural enough to be unable to think straight, or sideways, or in any direction at all for that matter when you feel exhausted.

It doesn't have to be MS.

Maybe it's old age. I'm not all that old, but I'm older than I ought to be. Maybe when you get to be a certain age the world starts to lose its edge, the character of things, the patterns of life become so familiar that they no longer engage with the same energy as once possessed. Life simmers. It is a pan of noodles that has already boiled. The bacon no longer sizzles. It has long since been thoroughly sizzlized.

Or it could be the Copaxone. Not MS at all, but the treatment which is at fault. I've been so very tired since I started Copaxone. Am I injecting sedatives? Maybe whatever poison they put in there is attacking the integrity of the muscles in my lips. Maybe my brain has been corroded to the point where it has sprung a leak and the oil that oils the natural process of cognition is running dry.

Then again, maybe it is MS. Which of these options makes the most sense? It's like having to mark a multiple choice question where all the answers are wrong.

Why did I just smoke a cigarette without being aware of it? Why can't I remember having been outside? Why did I leave my cell phone on a table in the rain? Why can't I remember where I parked my car? Why did I kiss the dog this morning, and pat my wife on the head?

How is it that my own sense of presence has become so vague?

I am here. Am I not?

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