It has lately been found, after long years of exhaustive research, that cigarette smoking is the cause of most evils in the world--sickness, famine, multiple sclerosis, mental retardation, non-amusing situation comedies, the Holocaust, among others.
"It's simply amazing," one researcher commented, "that this could have been so simple all along, and we just didn't see it. I saw a guy light up the other day, and the next thing that happened was full body paralysis."
Lung cancer is now passe, and may be, in fact, the one thing that cigarette smoking does not cause.
"We're looking at everything from autism to xenophobia, from the traffic accident to the Asian flu, and always the cigarette comes up guilty."
Exactly how tobacco has become the most powerful disease since original sin is not yet fully understood, even while billions of dollars continue to be applied to the eventual solution.
"It used to be that we thought masturbation was responsible for most physical and social ills, but no more. That was the dark ages--this is now."