I Am A Tooth

Tooth pain! Aaaaagggggghhhhhhh!

Had to have another tooth pulled, and it hurts like a son of a bitch. I'm wondering if this is partly an inappropriate, exaggerated response to pain, a la MS. I know I've gotten some pretty exaggerated feelings from other painful stimuli, or if not exaggerated, then just plain weird. Like the time the fronts of my calves were stinging whenever they would touch something. Or the time it kept feeling like I had stuck my fingers in a wall socket. Crazy stuff.

Anyway, I wish I had been born with upper and lower plates in. My teeth have been nothing but a misery all my life.

If you ask me, God got the whole tooth business dead wrong. There simply had to have been a better way. Why all these teeth connected directly to nerves?

I mean, He was good, but if you ask me, He got a few other things wrong too--things that I could have done better. Monthly menstruation, for instance, and its byproduct of PMS. Why monthly? Even animals don't do it monthly. Why not once a year? I know there is a biological mechanism involved, but still it seems excessive.

And then there are the toenails that grow into the toes. Why have toenails at all? I suppose they are nice enough on a young woman, painted pink or red--but when they turn yellow and thick as nickels, it's just not cool, nor fashionable either. And anyway, if you were going to have nails, why have them all the way down on the toes and therefore so difficult to reach with the clippers? Wouldn't it be more manageable if the toenails were on our knuckles or elbows?

But enough of this. Blame it on my tooth. I cannot think. I might as well be a tooth, for this throbbing has conquered the very center of my consciousness.