My Little Corner of the World

I had the strangest experience this morning, which of course will be difficult to describe, as are all things concerning the crap MS dishes up.

I had gone out as usual to drive my son to school--generally an automatic sort of thing, you know? Not something one really thinks about, but just does.

And yet as soon as I turned onto Prescott street (3 blocks or so from our front door), everything suddenly looked wrong, out of place. It was a weird sort of spatial rearrangement, like everything was tilted, or had been shifted during the night, so that the streets seemed to be pointed more to the North than to the East, where they used to be. Everything seemed jarred loose from the familiar pattern, cross streets too acute in angle, buildings and houses displaced. It was a little bit like being on LSD, minus the feeling of euphoria.

Things looked so wrong in fact, that I was not sure I was going the right way. I found myself concentrating, watching for familiar landmarks, having to convince my mind that this was the proper route.

This disorientation persisted all the way to school and all the way back home. My mind continued to entertain two opposing perceptions--first that everything looked wrong, and secondly that I knew it was right.

I cannot help but feel, even as the confusion of perception fades, that this has been merely a peek at the world to come, a world where disorientation arises more and more frequently and the confidence of awareness looses ground. And it is a terrifying scenario, against which I ultimately have no defense.

It may be that my recent trauma with kidney stones and surgery has caused a relapse in MS. I note also a new aching in my legs--the same sensation that has long been present in my calves, but now having jumped to the backs of my thighs as well. It is an aching and a spasticity, as if the muscles had been tied in tight knots that cannot be undone.

So what do I do? Go back to Copaxone and add more kidney stones to my miseries as well? It doesn't seem like much of an answer to me.

Maybe there is no answer. Probably, rather. We are inclined to believe that every malady has a cure, that there is something we can do about this. All it takes is a call to the doctor, or more exercise, or a better diet, or 8 cups of water a day. We believe it to be so, even as we know it is not so. We believe it, because the alternative is unacceptable.

Confused and Disoriented--Status Quo

I am once again experiencing a day of confusion and disorientation--a step above the usual, that is. I always find myself thinking that something must have triggered this. What did I do, or fail to do? No enough freshly squeezed fish oil lately? Did I forget my vitamin D? Did I sleep too long? Not long enough? Is this going to be permanent, or will my brain return tomorrow?

But I suppose it's just MS. I suppose I'm just feeling the lesions today, falling into the holes.

I become aware that I need to watch myself from here on out for the day. I have already driven around in circles, passed the places I was supposed to go, forgotten the errands I was supposed to do. Just five minutes ago I left my wallet sitting on the table at Starbucks while I went outside for a cigarette. Good thing the world is so full of honest people. Or blind people. Whichever is the case.

The frustrating thing is that the day itself becomes a waste of time. I had big plans this morning, but it has now become apparent that accomplishing the simplest of things is going to be a significant challenge in itself. And it's going to take two or three times as long as it should, given the time my brain insists of devoting to staring into space.

There seems no other option than to surrender this one to the abyss, reserve my energy for tomorrow, go home, take a nap.