In Memoriam

[The following is a memoriam written by my son's half brother, Kendal. I thought it honest, heartfelt, sensitive, touching. Holden passed away in the spring of this year. His mother, stepfather, and brother visit his grave once a month.]


I will remember Holden. I will remember how he was with me from day one and will always be with me.

I will remember going to visit him in a big house high up in the hills, how we would often spend those early fourth of July’s up there with his grandparents shooting fireworks from their porch.
I will remember mom telling me he had a Rom figure, before I was even born but it said something he didn’t like once so he stopped playing with it.

I will remember how we tried to play laser tag once and how I fell and busted my head open, and he asked if he could be taken home before they took me to the emergency room, I tried not to resent him for that, but sadly I’m not sure I ever truly succeeded.

I will remember being at our old apartment, being an ass to my mom In front of my friends just to try and impress them and how Holden grabbed my arm hard to try and make me apologize, but at the time I wouldn’t and how stupidly proud I felt for standing up to him, when in retrospect I was just being a jerk and wish I had apologized.

I will remember going on plenty of volkswalks with Holden and how he was always the fastest walker I had ever seen, often getting far ahead of us and then having to stop and wait for the rest of us slowpokes.

I will remember one particular time, I think after a volkswalk, that we were at a dam or fishery of some sort and we ended up having a little talk amongst one another, and he asked how I was doing and generally seemed to be interested in me and how I was, a rare thing for an autistic person to do and probably my most cherished memory of him.

I will remember how Holden would often walk around with a large glass of juice or tea and before he would leave our house for the night he would always have to gulp down every last drop, often in one shot, as if every drop of liquid was precious, before he could confidently stride out for the night.

I will remember how he always called me Kuda, I never really knew why but I always accepted it, It was nice to have a nickname.

I will remember when dad would drive him around he would often complain about which route he took to avoid traffic, and how despite never driving himself, he was right more often then you would think.

I will remember growing older and realizing people could be cruel to someone like Holden and wishing to kick the butt of anyone I felt treated him wrong.

I will remember intentionally listening to loud music or other ruckus thing trying to intentionally annoy him, as siblings do, or how I would try to eat all the good food In the fridge before he could, a habit that never left me, even though it was petty and stupid and I often regretted doing it.

I will remember his loud booming voice and thunderous step that would always easily announce his presence.

I will remember how he always made it so the microwave wouldn’t spin somehow, whether intentionally or not, I don’t know.

I will remember how you always knew it was Holden at the door because he would ring the doorbell once then twice in rapid succession, before testing the door handle to see If he could let himself in.

I will remember how Holden would sometimes crack himself up In the middle of a sentence as he recounted some sort of ridiculous happenings going on in the world today.

I will remember how Holden on warm sunny days would grab a drink and go out into our backyard and just sit on our homemade patio enjoying the world.

I will remember how he would do an awkward little shuffle between the fridge and garbage can, trying his hardest to avoid touching the garbage.

I will remember how he is the only person I know who probably hasn’t watched the television or gone to a movie in decades, yet still seemed to know what was going on in the world.

I will remember how mom and dad would drive out to all sorts of stores in order to get everything Holden needed, but almost inevitably he would call back the next day with something he forgot, and how, if they could, nine times out of ten they would get whatever else he needed as well.

I will remember how mom would always share her diabetic supplies with Holden, even when he would overdo it because she understood what Holden was going through even when me and dad couldn’t understand.

I will remember how he always loved to go to the beach and would have loved to have lived there, a sentiment I share.

I will remember how Holden had a nice smile on the rare occasions he showed it.

I remember how he often would not get up until noon, and how I would usually meet up with him in the middle of the night when he slept over, we were both night owls of the highest order and had way more in common than I often thought.

I will remember how Holden was always an old soul and seemed to get along better with people twice his age, and how I thought if he could just live in an old folks home, man would he be set.

I will remember his interest in the similarities and differences in religions throughout time and his seeming quest to find a pattern to it all.

I will remember his love of history and his never ending quest for more books to read, something he shared with mom, how I would often sit and listen to them discuss history, wishing I had something to add to the discussion.

I will remember his aspirations at trying to write books, I believe historical fiction, and how he took it into his own hands to try and get published, I think some of his work he even put online, I wish I knew where, as someone who has his own inclinations towards art I hope that his stories brought him a sense of accomplishment and joy to create, perhaps not all stories are meant to become popular, maybe some are never even meant to be read or seen by anyone but their creator, but, nevertheless I feel they are all important and worth the effort to create.

I will remember him reading young adult horror books when he was younger and how he would scare me with apparitions like the bandage man, he is probably one of the reasons I am interested in things like Bigfoot to this day.

I will remember how when dad had to go away on business he came over to stay, at the time I thought it was purely out of self interest, but I suspect that he may have desired to watch over me and mom.

I will remember how if the cats were bothering him he would talk to them just like they were little furry humans and could easily understand him, I found it rather funny.

I will remember how he had a special relationship with bumpa, one that I cannot really speak of but that I know he appreciated.

I will remember how he would always come over on Christmas eve to open presents and have a good meal, and how it was always fun to see him so nonchalantly tell you exactly what he thought of his presents for better or worse, but I think he appreciated them despite how mundane they always were.

I will remember that despite all his problems he was always able to talk to anyone he met, he was never afraid to speak his mind or share an opinion, a trait I wish I could have learned from him.
I will remember how Holden almost singlehandedly kept Tab on the shelves with his love of the product.

I will remember how he would always say goodbye by saying something like “It was nice seeing you, hope you have a good day, uh, goodbye!” and how he was always obsessed with the weather and how it would affect his favorite activity, walking.

I will remember how he was always active on some project or another whether it was writing a book or cleaning up a long forgotten hiking trail for free better then anyone who would have been paid to do the job could have.

I will remember how he would offer to trim our hedges and do the best most meticulous job you’ve ever seen.

I will remember Holden as a always restless wandering soul who never had enough time on his hands and always hoped for sunny days.

I will remember how I would sometimes see him smile and wave at my cats as they passed by and how he would almost talk to them like they were people who could understand everything he said, I always thought it was very cute.

Holden had to endure many hardships and hurdles in his too brief life but he always tackled them with resolve in himself and the fact that the Lord was always with him, that is what I will take from Holden's life, the idea to never stop, never give up and to always have faith, unshakable unwavering faith.

Be well Holden. I will see you in heaven someday and we’ll walk along the sunny paths of eternity together. I love you, miss you, and will never forget you.