Things are different now. Things have changed. I don't know exactly when this happened. In fact, I suppose it didn't happen exactly all at one point in time. I can only research my own life, by looking back through my own writings, and see that perhaps two years ago I was walking every day, and walking fairly long distances, without any particular discomfort. I can see that I would often take a morning walk. The big fat brown dog would come along with me. This was in the old neighborhood, at the old house in Renon. I can see that I would also often take a walk on the beach in the evening. When Sasha was here visiting, he would accompany me. It was just me and him, because his mom was off travelling the world with her boyfriend. This was all, as I have said, about two years ago.
Then there came a long series of various illnesses, culminating in a final (one hopes) top-it-all-off illness which spanned the months from mid February to August. One problem after another. Or perhaps they were all one masquerading as many.
I seek now to resume the life that had been put on hold during this long period of time, but find that I am unable. My legs are weak and shaky, my balance sucks. I start out on one of the old familiar paths and have barely begun when my legs and lower back begin to ache. I feel like I'm walking on the moon, only its a moon with gravity double that of the earth and I can feel the weight of the cumbersome space suit that is my own body.
So I guess I'm looking for the new me. What is it that I do now? Rest. Read books. Watch movies. Eat. I guess that's it, so far. And it seems, sadly, to be enough. I will often fall asleep in the middle of the day--a deep, dry-mouthed, paralyzing, spell-like sleep. A Snow White sort of sleep. I will wake to find that Takut the dog has shown up in the meantime and is sitting by the bedside staring at me. It is a sleep that extinguishes time, such that when I wake, I do not know whether it is morning, midday, or evening.
Gosh, maybe I need vitamins. Some speed might also help. Little blue rocket pills.
Or maybe I've just gotten old in two years. Time moves fast in these twilight years, even as it seems to stand still.
Then there came a long series of various illnesses, culminating in a final (one hopes) top-it-all-off illness which spanned the months from mid February to August. One problem after another. Or perhaps they were all one masquerading as many.
I seek now to resume the life that had been put on hold during this long period of time, but find that I am unable. My legs are weak and shaky, my balance sucks. I start out on one of the old familiar paths and have barely begun when my legs and lower back begin to ache. I feel like I'm walking on the moon, only its a moon with gravity double that of the earth and I can feel the weight of the cumbersome space suit that is my own body.
So I guess I'm looking for the new me. What is it that I do now? Rest. Read books. Watch movies. Eat. I guess that's it, so far. And it seems, sadly, to be enough. I will often fall asleep in the middle of the day--a deep, dry-mouthed, paralyzing, spell-like sleep. A Snow White sort of sleep. I will wake to find that Takut the dog has shown up in the meantime and is sitting by the bedside staring at me. It is a sleep that extinguishes time, such that when I wake, I do not know whether it is morning, midday, or evening.
Gosh, maybe I need vitamins. Some speed might also help. Little blue rocket pills.
Or maybe I've just gotten old in two years. Time moves fast in these twilight years, even as it seems to stand still.
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