Just Flip It

 Last week when I went to my favorite beach spot the surf was right in close to the wall, quite deep and swift, and I thought 'Well, I'm glad I didn't bother to wear my swimsuit.' This week I found the surf far out and good for nothing but a child's wading pool, and so I thought 'Well, I'm glad I didn't bother to wear my swimsuit.' Real life seems to be conspiring with my innate laziness to derail the idea that I ought to swim, saying 'See, you were quite right to be lazy.' So I just sipped my cappuccino instead and read my book and watched the boats bobbing at anchor and was fairly perfectly happy without going to the trouble to get wet and sandy.

...

I came home before the maid had left the house--she was just finishing up--and she said "Om" (uncle), "one side of your bed is higher than the other."

"Yeah, I guess that's because I sleep just on the one side. I need to find a wife, right? A fat one."

After all, in order to even the mattress out, we would need a roughly equal weight, which is something that would likely require a fat wife.

"You can just sleep on the other side," the maid observed, while at the same time laughing.

Later on that day, I told the same joke to my ex-wife.

"That's stupid," she said. "Just sleep on the other side."

"Umm, yeah, I just thought it was kind of funny."

"What's funny? A wife would be too expensive. You don't need a wife."

"I know, but--"

"Just tell the maid to flip the mattress!"

...

When I arrived at Starbucks this morning, a bride and groom were sitting at my usual table--he in his black tuxedo, she in a classic white wedding dress with a veil. I'm assuming that the wedding was over because her veil was pulled aside and that's not supposed to happen until the ceremony is concluded, right? I don't know. I've never married a wife in a veil, although I had three tries. I've never even married a wife in a white dress, for goodness sake.

Anyway, after they left my table, I occupied it and found that the air where she had been sitting was filled with a sweet, clean, flowery fragrance, and this persisted throughout my stay. I felt, curiously, that I had taken part in some way, or at least had been an uninvited guest.