Long Time No Talk

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 I had not heard from Ira in quite some time. Exactly how long it had been, I cannot say. My appreciation of the passage of time is getting increasingly shaky. But I will guess anyway that it has been at least two months since I heard from this young friend of mine. I use the term young as a comparative to my own age, while understanding, of course, that she would not think herself young as accounted by those who are actually young. In any case, she is some 25 years younger than I, and therefore young.  The passage of time is a comparative matter as well, and so I should note that in the past, for more than a year's time, Ira had contacted me nearly every day, sometimes more than once a day, so that two months seemed indeed a long period of silence. 

And then today I received a message, sent from an older platform, under, however, a new profile (for she had at some time quit and then had rejoined the old avenue of communication). 

"Dadddyyyy", she wrote. 

Yep. Different platform, different profile, same old (young) Ira. She has called me Daddy nearly as long as I have known her. 

Well, it turns out that she had deleted me from her contacts, along with every other male friend, at the request, or rather the demand, of a certain man with whom she had had a long running long distance relationship, most of which seemed to involve an endless cycle of fighting and breaking up. Now they are breaking up again. Forever this time. As always. 

I well remember having long talks with her previously about this guy, who for all appearances, or according to her testimony anyway, is an intensely jealous, insecure fellow, whose answer to his own insecurities seems to be to control, restrict, and monitor her every movement and social interaction. Ira has actually spent time with him in person, but for the most part they have conducted their relationship online, as he lives on the other side of the world and cannot often get to Indonesia. A rather silly idea to begin with, I reckon--these online 'relationships', I mean--and certainly not a situation suited to one weak in trust. As it is, he has attempted to surveil her by a combination of bits and pieces of news from her friends (or enemies) along with bits and pieces of his own worst imaginings. 

Moreover, though generally tormented by the very idea that she has had relationships prior to her relationship with him, he will often insist on interrogating her about the details of those relationships, which seems to me a decidedly masochistic pursuit on his part.

When Ira and I began talking, more than a year ago as I've said, we enjoyed the most entertaining conversations, full of laughter and silliness, but as time passed our conversations became more and more centered on this guy, and more and more troubling. I made a considerable effort to counsel her, to encourage her to get out from under a toxic situation. And yet the more I talked to her, the more I realized that I was not telling her anything that she did not already know. In short, she chose to remain involved and she chose ultimately to accede to his demand that she delete her community of friends and submit to surveillance such as he could manage. 

Perhaps there is some sort of attraction in this for some women, the idea of being 'possessed' by a man. Or perhaps there are some women who grant an authority to certain men over their freedom because they have been taught that men have a right to that authority. Or perhaps they tolerate such monitoring in the hope that it will prove their own loyalty in the relationship. I don't know. 

Have you ever known one of these people who come to you for advice in an unequal or abusive or untrusting relationship, and who seem to understand every bit of your best council and admonition, and agree that to continue under the existing circumstances would be futile at the least and quite possibly dangerous at the worst, and yet proceed on the exact same course as soon as the conversation is concluded? 

I have. 

And so by and by you take them less seriously. It's a broken record. You have wasted your breath.  There is a great difference between needing help and receiving help. It's sad, but there it is. You're a wonderful young woman, Ira, and I love you, but I've got to change the subject.