Thursday, April 19, 2018


I woke this morning in rather more pain than usual, which did not really surprise me, because I had gone to sleep in rather more pain than usual. So, I got up and followed my normal routine, sitting for a moment to let the cobwebs clear, sipping a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette, and then preparing a breakfast of boiled egg on toast. After checking my e-mail and the latest news and such-like, I took a shower and then got dressed.

Halfway through dressing, I suddenly felt profoundly tired. This has happened several times in the past. Despite a full night's sleep, I find myself barely able to keep my eyes open. Thinking that I should lie down for a moment, I did so, and straightaway fell asleep. 

About an hour later, I again woke, surprised that I had conked out like that. I meandered outside, feeling a bit unsteady, and prepared a second cup of coffee. 

As I sat at the table with my coffee, I became aware of two things. One was that my ears were ringing rather loudly. The other was that I was seeing much more clearly than usual.

How wonderful it was! Here was the same stone wall behind the yard, the same carven squares in the windows, but how clear they were! Here were individual blades of grass at my feet rather than the usual greenish smudge, and the tree in the yard as well defined as dark charcoal on white paper. The rooftop with its orange tiles and the chips and the cracks in the tiles--the print on the box of oatmeal on the counter--the swaying palm fronds of the tall tree beyond the roof--my hands--my feet ... My God, everything in the world had suddenly sprung to life! How very long had it been since I had seen it all.

How very strange is the disease that afflicts the nervous system. 

This has happened before. And I've written of it before. If the course is as before, my vision will soon fade to "normal" and the world will grow blurry, foggy once again. I am sitting now at Starbucks, enjoying this moment, this passing miracle. I can see the faces of the people at the other tables. I can see the faces of my friends behind the counter. It has just rained and now it is sunny again and the breeze is dancing through the greenery on the wall and waving its yellow palms, and there is the tree by the stairway with its white bouquets which I have never seen before.

And do you know what? I can see the letters, the words on my screen, in normal font, as I type. I do not want to leave this world. I had quite forgotten how very clear everything can be. 

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