I sat around the house all morning fixating on my ear, or rather on the cancer in my ear. I got the lab report back yesterday and, sure enough, this is identified as basal cell carcinoma, and, sure enough, the doctor still wants to lop off part of my ear.
The more I try to get used to that idea, the more unable I am to do so. I like my ear. I mean, it's nothing special as ears ago, but it's mine. I'm already sitting here thinking of ways I could cover up my absent ear with my hair, or maybe wear a stocking cap all the time. I'm wondering if there will be enough of the ear left to support my eyeglasses.
I spent quite a while looking up alternative medicines (black cumin seed?) and variously researching the subject of basal cell cancers.
I had actually planned to go to the hospital this morning and track down the doctor I saw last week so that I could ask some questions, but then it started pouring down rain and so I decided this must be a sign that I should stay home. When the sky cleared up, I decided "Well, it's too late to go now".
And then I start stressing about the money I would need to spend (I am told that the operative treatment would be more than 10 million rupiah).
So there are three things keeping me in my easy chair at home.
1) I'm lazy.
2) I'm cheap.
3) I'm scared.
A perfect recipe for paralysis.
I see on internet research that these cancers grow very slowly. Well … I'm 65 in January. Wouldn't it be better to enjoy my ear while I have the time, cancer or not, than cut the thing off and then die fairly soon anyway?
And then there is my real problem to think of--namely, MS. I mean, the pains of MS bother me every day far more than my ear bothers me. I mean … why am I stressing out over an ear, for God's sake!
Well, of course it's because this is cancer. Cancer comes with a fearful and ugly reputation in general, and in my family in particular. Mother, father, and brother, all dead, and no amount of slicing or excising or chemical warfare or radiation therapy did any of them the least bit of good. I mean, how do I know that cutting into the ear won't simply spread the cancer?
Sigh.
The more I try to get used to that idea, the more unable I am to do so. I like my ear. I mean, it's nothing special as ears ago, but it's mine. I'm already sitting here thinking of ways I could cover up my absent ear with my hair, or maybe wear a stocking cap all the time. I'm wondering if there will be enough of the ear left to support my eyeglasses.
I spent quite a while looking up alternative medicines (black cumin seed?) and variously researching the subject of basal cell cancers.
I had actually planned to go to the hospital this morning and track down the doctor I saw last week so that I could ask some questions, but then it started pouring down rain and so I decided this must be a sign that I should stay home. When the sky cleared up, I decided "Well, it's too late to go now".
And then I start stressing about the money I would need to spend (I am told that the operative treatment would be more than 10 million rupiah).
So there are three things keeping me in my easy chair at home.
1) I'm lazy.
2) I'm cheap.
3) I'm scared.
A perfect recipe for paralysis.
I see on internet research that these cancers grow very slowly. Well … I'm 65 in January. Wouldn't it be better to enjoy my ear while I have the time, cancer or not, than cut the thing off and then die fairly soon anyway?
And then there is my real problem to think of--namely, MS. I mean, the pains of MS bother me every day far more than my ear bothers me. I mean … why am I stressing out over an ear, for God's sake!
Well, of course it's because this is cancer. Cancer comes with a fearful and ugly reputation in general, and in my family in particular. Mother, father, and brother, all dead, and no amount of slicing or excising or chemical warfare or radiation therapy did any of them the least bit of good. I mean, how do I know that cutting into the ear won't simply spread the cancer?
Sigh.
1 comment:
Vincent!
Post a Comment