The Gifted

My father had a special talent for purchasing the perfectly inappropriate or unwanted Christmas gift. For us boys - my brother and I - this could work out quite nicely on occasion. BB guns, for instance, were as perfectly inappropriate as a thing could possibly be -- and it was my mother, I think, who had originally coined the now common warning, 'You'll shoot your eye out". Yet, we both received one, thanks to dad, who had obviously, and probably purposefully, not checked his list against my mother's desires. Less fortunate were some of the gifts he proferred upon her. Certain dresses, for instance -- strange, gaudy, unusually colorful things which would take my mother's breath away, though not in a good way. And these he would give with great pride and flair, for he honestly believed them to be great treasures (and gotten at such a low price on sale!). I will say for my mother, angel that she was, that she did her best to 'stifle her lack of enthusiasm', so to speak. She might possibly ponder out loud, though with a polite sort of grace, 'But where would I possibly wear a dress like this?', and then place the thing admiringly back into its box, moving on swiftly to the next unopened gift.

I like to think that my dad passed some dim shade of this talent on to me; and I will say for myself that I have been the sponsor of several much hated gifts. I cannot say, however, that the beneficiaries of my efforts were quite so humble as dear old mom. I remember, specifically, a billowy red blouse that I wrapped up for my second wife; nor can I forget the horror on her face upon first (and last) inspection of the thing. One might have thought I had strangled a kitten before her eyes. "What the hell is this?" she said. "It looks like something a Texas whore would wear! Do I look like a Texas whore to you?"

I could not say, of course, for I had never been to Texas, and had never seen the particular sort of whore that the State apparently specializes in. I did understand, however, that she did not like this gift at all -- though I would have much preferred it had she asked, like my mother, where she might possibly wear such a lavish garment, and then silently tucked it away into history

Well, there were other insults awaiting other Christmases, though little by little, I learned the value of more neutral efforts, or, indeed, strict adherence to a specific list. And yet, I would forward one piece of advice this Christmas for those who find themselves faced with the un-asked for, unwanted, unseemly offering: Remember that to the giver of the gift, this looked something like the love that inspired him. You may never be able to wear that love in public, but it is a worthy clothing for the heart that receives it with knowledge of the intent in kind.