Manners

I happened to see a photo on Facebook yesterday with a little quiz attached. The photo was of a man and a woman walking together, and the question asked was "What is wrong with this picture?"

Well, for anyone of my generation or before, what's 'wrong' is clear--the man is walking on the inside of the woman, she on the street side. It's one among the basic rules taught us by our fathers. Walk on the outside. Open the shop door, open the car door. Respect your elders. Say excuse me. Don't start eating before the cook sits down.

Holding doors seems not to have transferred across the ocean to Indonesia. I do this as a matter of course, for I am trained. But I find that many women will simply stare at me, as if to say "Well, are you going in or going out? Make up your mind."

Overall, women in Indonesia, and especially in Bali, which has a 'class culture', remain second class citizens. Moreover, polite deference to the sex does not seem to factor in to the society very strongly. Men are first in all walks of life, they are favored in divorce, and they are favored in inheritance, even if what is to be inherited did not belong to the man in the first place. In many practical ways--money, education, opportunity, inheritance--the son is favored over the daughter.

One characteristic the society does excel in, however--and something that is disappearing from western cultures--is respect for elders. Even friendly acquaintances of mine still insist on calling me Pak (sir, or father), Tuan (same as Pak, though applied specifically to a foreigner), Om (uncle), or Mister. It would sound strange, even to me, if they were to call me simply Will, or Richard, or Bruce (by which names I am known depending upon who is doing the knowing). No, it is always Pak Will, Om Bruce, Mr. Richard.

Of course, the same thing transfers over to women, who will be called Ibu, Mbak, Nyonya, and so on--all titles of polite respect in regard to the given age. Nonetheless, I will say, with sympathy, that I have seen women carrying a heavy load of groceries while the men strolled along beside them, smoking a cigarette. Not cool, right?

But before we leap to judge, let us remember the common manners and courtesies that are disappearing from our American culture-- because that's not cool, either.