Sad to learn a couple days ago that two of my favorite people here have separated, a delightful young Indonesian couple who have been going together for about a year and had planned to be married in the future. They had even decided how many children they wanted to have!
Well, the young woman went to Jakarta to attend a four month training program with her new employer and ended up in bed with some random guy. Well, I guess he's not random to her, but, honestly, she could not have known him very well after only two months in Jakarta, and, in fact, she has asked her boyfriend to forgive her and resume their relationship, so I guess the outside fling couldn't have been that important to her. Nonetheless, the boyfriend is not inclined to forgive her. Young men rarely are so inclined. He can forgive her eventually, he tells me, but as far as resuming the relationship is concerned, that other guy will always be in his mind, he will always be picturing her with him, and he could never trust her again.
I understand that. And I've been there also, in my younger years. Betrayal is a very hard thing to deal with. And trust is very difficult, if not impossible, to restore once it has been broken.
I remember seeing a movie not long ago where a husband had betrayed his wife and immediately regretted his unwise fling, for it had destroyed what was truly most precious and permanent in his life--not only his wife's trust and love, but his own sense of his best self. The man spent the rest of the movie trying to restore what he had broken, trying to regain his wife's love. She told him, at one point, after several attempts and failures, that it wasn't that she did not love him. That, in fact, was why it hurt so much. It wasn't that she could not forgive him, either. She could. But forgiving, as the old saying goes, is not forgetting. It's not about love or forgiveness, she told him. It's just that I am so, so very disappointed. You were mine--especially, only, mine. That's what you took away.
It was always such a pleasure to sit and talk with my young friends. They laughed so much, and teased, and made goo-goo eyes at each other, and smooched when they thought no one was looking. They talked about the future and invited me to their unscheduled wedding, whenever that might occur. And, now, it is painful to see the young man looking so pale and broken hearted--and somewhat embarrassed, I think, because they had spoken so openly about their love and their future.
Down the drain.
So, time will tell, I guess. Perhaps they will get back together. That is up to her, I reckon. It depends on how hard she wants to try, and whether she is strong enough to live with the lasting doubt that she herself has created. Or perhaps they will move on, start from scratch, on a fresh foundation. The trouble is, the older they get, the fewer will be the stable foundations they can find.
Sometimes one envies the young--their energy, their strength, their vigor, their health. And sometimes one has to say, 'My God, I could never do all that over again!'
Well, the young woman went to Jakarta to attend a four month training program with her new employer and ended up in bed with some random guy. Well, I guess he's not random to her, but, honestly, she could not have known him very well after only two months in Jakarta, and, in fact, she has asked her boyfriend to forgive her and resume their relationship, so I guess the outside fling couldn't have been that important to her. Nonetheless, the boyfriend is not inclined to forgive her. Young men rarely are so inclined. He can forgive her eventually, he tells me, but as far as resuming the relationship is concerned, that other guy will always be in his mind, he will always be picturing her with him, and he could never trust her again.
I understand that. And I've been there also, in my younger years. Betrayal is a very hard thing to deal with. And trust is very difficult, if not impossible, to restore once it has been broken.
I remember seeing a movie not long ago where a husband had betrayed his wife and immediately regretted his unwise fling, for it had destroyed what was truly most precious and permanent in his life--not only his wife's trust and love, but his own sense of his best self. The man spent the rest of the movie trying to restore what he had broken, trying to regain his wife's love. She told him, at one point, after several attempts and failures, that it wasn't that she did not love him. That, in fact, was why it hurt so much. It wasn't that she could not forgive him, either. She could. But forgiving, as the old saying goes, is not forgetting. It's not about love or forgiveness, she told him. It's just that I am so, so very disappointed. You were mine--especially, only, mine. That's what you took away.
It was always such a pleasure to sit and talk with my young friends. They laughed so much, and teased, and made goo-goo eyes at each other, and smooched when they thought no one was looking. They talked about the future and invited me to their unscheduled wedding, whenever that might occur. And, now, it is painful to see the young man looking so pale and broken hearted--and somewhat embarrassed, I think, because they had spoken so openly about their love and their future.
Down the drain.
So, time will tell, I guess. Perhaps they will get back together. That is up to her, I reckon. It depends on how hard she wants to try, and whether she is strong enough to live with the lasting doubt that she herself has created. Or perhaps they will move on, start from scratch, on a fresh foundation. The trouble is, the older they get, the fewer will be the stable foundations they can find.
Sometimes one envies the young--their energy, their strength, their vigor, their health. And sometimes one has to say, 'My God, I could never do all that over again!'
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