My little friend, Sabrina, happened to ask yesterday, via Instant Messenger, how she might convince a certain bule (a westerner) to ask her to marry. I answered that the man, no matter where he comes from, convinces himself by falling in love with the woman, and once that happens, he can hardly be 'unconvinced'. In short, he asks her to marry because he wants to marry her.
To me, this seems like a no-brainer. But maybe I'm just old fashioned. I mean, to me, love is love, and if you love someone, you just naturally want to be with that person--the closer the better. Marriage would not seem strange or like going too far. It would be the arrangement most desirable. Am I wrong?
Well, she explained that the man wanted to 'focus on his career' at this time. Yes, he loves her, but he wants to focus on his career and then marry 'at the right time'.
Really?
It seems like I married and had children and focused on my career all at the same time. Isn't that the way it works? How, I wonder, would a wife keep one from focusing on his career? Wouldn't she, rather, compliment his career?
So, to me, to be honest, this sounds like BS. Yes, I have several friends who have spoken of career first, and then marriage--but they are quite young, in their early 20's, while this bule boyfriend is in his 40's (and Sabrina is only in her early 20s). These young men understand, and I think quite responsibly so, that they will need to have a reliable means of supporting a wife (especially in Indonesia, where this is both the culture and the economic reality). But a westerner already in a career and already in his 40's? Nah. I'm sorry, Sabrina, but it sounds like an excuse, an evasion. And I told her so, as gently as possible, and with the caveat that I could be wrong.
To me, this seems like a no-brainer. But maybe I'm just old fashioned. I mean, to me, love is love, and if you love someone, you just naturally want to be with that person--the closer the better. Marriage would not seem strange or like going too far. It would be the arrangement most desirable. Am I wrong?
Well, she explained that the man wanted to 'focus on his career' at this time. Yes, he loves her, but he wants to focus on his career and then marry 'at the right time'.
Really?
It seems like I married and had children and focused on my career all at the same time. Isn't that the way it works? How, I wonder, would a wife keep one from focusing on his career? Wouldn't she, rather, compliment his career?
So, to me, to be honest, this sounds like BS. Yes, I have several friends who have spoken of career first, and then marriage--but they are quite young, in their early 20's, while this bule boyfriend is in his 40's (and Sabrina is only in her early 20s). These young men understand, and I think quite responsibly so, that they will need to have a reliable means of supporting a wife (especially in Indonesia, where this is both the culture and the economic reality). But a westerner already in a career and already in his 40's? Nah. I'm sorry, Sabrina, but it sounds like an excuse, an evasion. And I told her so, as gently as possible, and with the caveat that I could be wrong.
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